Welcome To The Bad Boys' (And Girl) Battle Royal!!!

Where professional sports' spoiled, foolish, and stupid fight for redemption!

The Participants

Charles Barkley
Rae Carruth
Betril Fox
Tonya Harding
Bill Laimbeer
John Rocker
Dennis Rodman
Randy "Macho Man" Savage
O. J. Simpson
Latrell Sprewell
"L.T." Lawrence Taylor
Mike Tyson

Special Guest Commentators

George Steinbrenner
Marge Schott

Special Guest Ring Announcer

Michael Buffer

Vital Statistics
[Charles Barkley]
Charles Barkley

Height: 6' 6"
Weight: 252 lbs.
Sports Occupation: Retired basketball player.
Battle Royal Qualifications: "I am not a role model!" He proved this by, among other things, spitting on a fan after a game.
What's In It For Him If He Wins: A complete physical recovery and one more season to prove that he has what it takes to lead his team to an NBA championship.
...But If He Loses...: He goes through his retirement years with the constant knowledge that his best was never good enough.
[Rae Carruth]
Rae Carruth
Height: 5' 11"
Weight: 194 lbs.
Sports Occupation: Former football player.
Battle Royal Qualifications: If taking part in the shooting of your pregnant girlfriend doesn't qualify you for this competition, nothing will.
What's In It For Him If He Wins: A much-needed alibi absolving him from all responsibility in the shooting death of his girlfriend.
...But If He Loses...: He gets a one-way trip to death row.
[Betril Fox]
Betril Fox
Height: N/A
Weight: N/A
Sports Occupation: Former champion bodybuilder.
Battle Royal Qualifications: The Caribbean's answer to O. J. Simpson, this favorite son was tried for the double murder of his girlfriend and her mother on the isle of St. Kitts. Unlike O. J., Fox was found guilty of the double murder on the retrial after the first trial ended in a hung jury.
What's In It For Him If He Wins: A full pardon of his double-murder conviction in St. Kitts.
...But If He Loses...: A one-way trip to the hangman's noose, the death penalty for St. Kitts' inhabitants.
[Tonya Harding]
Tonya Harding

Height: 5' 1"
Weight: 115 lbs.
Sports Occupation: Professional figure skater.
Battle Royal Qualifications: It's been called 'the whack heard 'round the world', and even though she didn't carry out the attack on rival Nancy Kerrigan herself, she had the most to gain from it, and ultimately, the most to lose.
What's In It For Her If She Wins: A reborn career that's impressive enough to make everyone forget about that Nancy person.
...But If She Loses...: Permanent obscurity with no respect from her peers.
[Bill Laimbeer]
Bill Laimbeer
Height: 6' 11"
Weight: 260 lbs.
Sports Occupation: Retired basketball player.
Battle Royal Qualifications: THE Bad Boy of the Detroit Pistons for many years, his style of play made him one of the most despised players ever in the NBA.
What's In It For Him If He Wins: Recognition for being the best defensive player in the game, IF he gets rid of Rodman in the process.
...But If He Loses...: Permanent obscurity.
[John Rocker]
John Rocker

Height: 6' 4"
Weight: 225 lbs.
Sports Occupation: Baseball player.
Battle Royal Qualifications: Atlanta's loudmouth pitcher recently made headlines over a Sports Illustrated article in which he seemingly went out of his way to alienate so many people with his negative ethnic comments, including the entire city of New York.
What's In It For Him If He Wins: A full apology from MLB Commissioner Selig and an end to the forced psychiatric counseling.
...But If He Loses...: A permanent ban from baseball.
[Dennis Rodman]
Dennis Rodman
Height: 6' 6"
Weight: 220 lbs.
Sports Occupation: Basketball player.
Battle Royal Qualifications: Cross-dressing, multi-colored hair, bad-mouthing the San Antonio Spurs' organization (his former team), dated Madonna but couldn't stay married to Carmen Electra, bad movie acting, switched to professional wrestling... but a damned good rebounder!
What's In It For Him If He Wins: Recognition for being the best defensive player in the game, IF he gets rid of Laimbeer in the process.
...But If He Loses...: He must give up the cross-dressing and rainbow-colored hair and behave like a 'normal' adult.
[Randy 'Macho Man' Savage]
Randy "Macho Man" Savage
Height: 6' 1"
Weight: 250 lbs.
Sports Occupation: Professional wrestler.
Battle Royal Qualifications: One of the most vicious and out-of-control pro wrestlers, he even attacked his wife/manager/valet Elizabeth while the cameras were rolling.
What's In It For Him If He Wins: One more chance to prove he can beat Hulk Hogan for the championship in a one-on-one match.
...But If He Loses...: He'll face a forced retirement from professional wrestling.
[O. J. Simpson]
O. J. Simpson
Height: N/A
Weight: N/A
Sports Occupation: Retired football player.
Battle Royal Qualifications: In possibly the most famous turn of events in recent history, he was accused of killing his former wife, Nicole, and restaurant employee Ron Goldman. This highly publicized trial split the country along racial lines and ended with a not guilty verdict.
What's In It For Him If He Wins: The civil suit judgment against him will be lifted and he'll have the chance to tell his story without ....
...But If He Loses...: He'll be permanently ostracized by the society that once cheered him.
[Latrell Sprewell]
Latrell Sprewell
Height: 6' 5"
Weight: 190 lbs.
Sports Occupation: Basketball player.
Battle Royal Qualifications: Not much, really. He only choked his then coach P. J. Carlesimo for allegedly shouting racial slurs in his direction.
What's In It For Him If He Wins: He'll receive a full and public apology from Carlesimo for his verbal abuse of Sprewell.
...But If He Loses...: He'll be permanently banned from the NBA and face criminal prosecution for his assault on Carlesimo.
[Lawrence Taylor]
Lawrence Taylor
Height: N/A
Weight: N/A
Sports Occupation: NFL Hall Of Famer. Battle Royal Qualifications: This recent NFL Hall Of Fame inductee was a brutal force behind the New York Giant's defensive line. He even put Joe Theisman on the shelf. He made even more headlines after his retirement because of drug arrests and claims of his failure to pay child support.
What's In It For Him If He Wins: All pending legal charges against him will be dropped.
...But If He Loses...: He'll serve out all remaining jail sentences without parole or probation.
[Mike Tyson]
Mike Tyson
Height: 5' 11"
Weight: 218 lbs.
Sports Occupation: Former boxing champion.
Battle Royal Qualifications: The former 'Baddest Man On The Planet' spent time in prison for an alleged rape and other assault charges. Just about the only assault he wasn't arrested for was for biting off a chunk of Evander Holyfield's ear.
What's In It For Him If He Wins: He'll receive one more shot at the unified heavyweight champion and he'll have all pending legal charges against him dropped.
...But If He Loses...: He must serve out whatever remaining jail time he has without parole and face a permanent ban from boxing.

The Rules

              This is an elimination match that will take place in a wrestling ring. The process of elimination is simple: one must be eliminated from consciousness. Simply getting tossed from the ring does not matter.

The Action

              The action began as the participants were entering the ring. One very impatient fan screamed, "Hurry up, you bums! We're waiting!" Needless to say, he paid dearly for those words.

              Laimbeer reacted immediately by grabbing the hapless fan by the neck and started punching like mad. Security guards tried to separate the two men, but their efforts were futile. Laimbeer even used one of the guards as a weapon, ramming the guard's head into the faces, chests, and stomachs of the rest of the security team. Savage, Harding, and Carruth had to drag him into the ring. It would be the last time these three would agree on anything.

              Soon after the combatants entered the ring, Schott and Steinbrenner are abducted by huge men in ski masks. They are handcuffed, hooded, and gagged and quickly whisked away by the intruders - never to be seen again.

              After the fighters entered the ring, Michael Buffer took the microphone and began the introductions.

              "For the thousands in attendance, and the millions watching at home, ladies and gentlemen, LLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLET'S GET READY TO RRRRUMBLLLLLLLLLLLLL...OUCH!!" He never got the chance to finish because Rocker threw a fastball at the back of Buffer's head. Dazed from the blow, he has no way to defend himself as the combatants all join in throwing him out of the ring.

              "Damn Yankee!" spits Rocker.

              The crowd cheered when Lawrence Taylor made his first move. It didn't take long for him to make his mark. While the others fought around them, Taylor and Dennis Rodman battled in a corner. Rodman pulled out a bottle of peroxide and splashed Tayor's face with it, much to Taylor's delight. Rodman threw a punch next, only to have his fist caught by Taylor, and his wrist broken as well. Enraged, Rodman then tried to take a bite out of Taylor's arm, but his face met with Taylor's fist and Rodman found himself swallowing five of his own teeth while spitting out three more onto the mat.

              Randy Savage repeatedly smashed John Rocker's head into the ringpost. (Despite Rocker's big boasts prior to the event, his lack of preparation for this event was all too clear.) Savage was clearly enjoying himself, as was evident when he smiled as he rammed Rocker's head into the steel post one last time. Rocker was soon surrounded by paramedics (and security guards who had to keep the other combatants from kicking his prone body). He was pronounced unable to continue by the medics and sent away to the nearest hospital.

              Perhaps one of the funniest episodes in this event occurred when Latrell Sprewell and Betril Fox were forced to stand back to back to fight off their opponents. The reason why? Fox tried to choke Sprewell with a rope that somehow ended up wrapped around his own neck as well! To keep themselves from suffocating, they were forced to stand back to back!

              O. J. Simpson and Charles Barkley saw the fix that Fox and Sprewell were in, stopped their own fight, and tried to take advantage of an opportunity. In an attempt to defend himself, Sprewell managed to break Barkley's arm, but he ended up choking himself into unconsciousness in the process.

              Fox was now forced to drag the weight of his unconscious 'partner' behind him. Two paramedics attempted to revive Sprewell, but both were kicked out of the ring by Fox. Savage then attacked Fox before he had a chance to untie himself and eventually left him laying next to Sprewell; both were unconscious.

              Back to Taylor. He watched Rodman slowly shrink to the mat in fear. Rodman tried to speak, but with eight of his teeth missing, all he could do was mumble. He eventually passed out from the pain.

              Harding and Mike Tyson were about to go at it. Harding, being the smaller of the two by far, brought a lead pipe to the ring with her as an added weapon. Even this added offense didn't make Harding any more comfortable about her situation; she told herself she'd need more than a lead pipe against the former champion. "Why me? Why me?" those at ringside heard her ask. And just as a huge Tyson right cross was about to find it's mark, the ringside fans heard her say something else.

              She called for a time out.

              Amazingly, all action came to a screeching halt as the petite figure skater screamed for a pause in the action. The audience was amazed, but none more so than the remaining fighters (including Tyson, who stopped in mid-punch). They all watched curiously as Harding stepped out of the ring and walked straight to the official's table.

              "Look", she told the first official. "I still don't see why I'm here. I was told this was a counseling session!"

              "Well, Ms. Harding...."

              "Well, nothing! I was told this was a counseling session. Where are all the counselors? Huh? Why was I lied to?"

              "Ms. Harding... Tonya... I'm sure we can..."

              "Oh, I know what you're going to do! If I let you have your way, you'd keep me in here with O. J., Rodman, Tyson, and the rest of those animals. I come here looking for a counselor, but instead, I get handed one of my old skating outfits, a lead pipe, and told to follow this Fox guy! The next thing I know, I'm in the middle of a wrestling ring surrounded by thousands of screaming, mad people and trying to pull some ex-basketball player off of some fool in the audience he's beating up! Now explain that to me!"

              "Hmmm... I... uh..."

              "No, you can't", she continued. "You make it seem like I'm the one who hit Nancy with that pipe. Well, I didn't do it! If you want the person who did it, there he is over there - Shane Stant! He came with me to this place, and now I say you need to put him in the ring in my place! I'll give him the lead pipe, you put him in the ring, and let's see if he can do to them what he did to Nancy!"

              There was a moment of stunned silence from the officials.

              "WELL, I'M WAITING!!!"

              The officials discussed it briefly and decided that, if it would keep Tonya from getting irate all over again and venting on them, they would put Stant in the ring in her place.

              And that's exactly what they did.

              Soon after Stant's name was called out, he was dragged from the dressing room area before the crowd of screaming thousands. Seeing this turmoil all around him only added to his confusion... and fear. As he approached the ring, Stant noticed Harding standing by the official's table and immediately bolted towards her, looking for answers, but Tonya cut him off almost immediately.

              "You helped get me into this mess", said Tonya, as she handed him the piece of metal, "and now, you're going to get me out of it!" And with that, Harding took a seat next to the officials who were still stunned at the recent turn of events, but also much more at ease now that she had calmed down.

              Stant was ushered into the ring and placed in the exact same spot where Harding stood earlier - in front of Tyson. "This has got to be some kind of mistake. Wait a minute, this is all a huge mist...." These were the only words Stant had the chance to say before the officials called for the bell to restart the match - and Stant found himself the victim of a thunderous Tyson punch.

              While Tyson stared at the dazed and fallen Stant, he was knocked unconscious by a Laimbeer forearm shot from behind. Laimbeer's celebration would be short-lived, though, as Carruth came running headlong towards Laimbeer from behind and leveled him with a clothesline. The now prone Laimbeer made an easy target for Carruth and Stant (who recovered from Tyson's blow), both of whom kicked and beat him unmercifully.

              Believing Laimbeer to be finished, Carruth hurled insults at him, then turned to face the crowd and shouted more insults. When he once again faced Laimbeer, he had no time to prepare himself for Laimbeer's next move - a desperation punch aimed at the midsection of the former football player. The punch was thrown hard enough to make Carruth cough up his lunch and pass out. Stant tried to avoid the mess, but instead, he stepped in it, tripping himself up, and fell into a perfectly-timed right cross thrown by Savage. Seeing Stant go down, Barkley and O. J. broke off their fight to finish him off while Savage squared off against Laimbeer.

              Taylor looked at Savage and smiled, only to have the gesture returned by a haymaker thrown by the pro wrestler. The only problem with that was that Taylor didn't seem to feel the punch! Meanwhile, Laimbeer, Simpson, and Barkley were involved in their own three-way melee, oblivious to the fact that Taylor still stood there smiling after taking the hardest punch Savage had to offer.

              As time wore on, the remaining competitors each tried their best (or their worst) against Taylor, to no avail. Taylor eliminated Laimbeer with a mighty shoulderblock that sent him flying through the ropes and crashing headfirst against a steel barricade at ringside. Simpson was next to fall after he foolishly decided to test Taylor in a test of strength. Taylor immediately drove O. J. to his knees on the mat and followed it up by booting him to the chest twice and then ramming is face into the mat hard enough to cause O. J. to black out.

              Sir Charles jumped on Taylor's back in an effort to wrestle him to the mat with a headlock, but with one arm broken already, his grip would not last too log. Taylor soon turned the tide against the basketball player by throwing their combined weight backwards into a corner turnbuckle. After doing this twice, Barkley, out of breath, was forced to release his hold on the Hall Of Famer. Taylor then grabbed the slumping form in the corner, spun him around, and delivered a series of kidney punches that had his opponent screaming in agony. Sensing the end for Barkley, Taylor draped him over his shoulders for a Torture Rack maneuver. Sir Charles passed out 15 seconds later.

              This left Taylor and Savage standing alone face to face in the center of the ring. Amazingly, Savage offered a congratulatory handshake. Taylor, in return, offered his winning smile and returned the handshake. The stunned audience members were not left in the dark for long as Savage dropped to one knee, attempting to pry Taylor's fingers loose from his hand. As Savage knelt before Taylor, pleading with him to let go, Taylor's smile became more and more menacing. Afterwards, he lifted Savage up over his head and sent his body crashing through the official's table, rendering him unconscious.

The winner: LAWRENCE TAYLOR!!!


              Weeks before this match, Lawrence Taylor was inducted into the NFL Pro Football Hall Of Fame After the bout, he went back to living his private life, which included regular drug rehab sessions. This time, though, he was able to complete the program and completely beat his drug habit. Once this battle was over, he was able to concentrate on settling up the claims against him for non-payment of child support. He even started to take an active part of his children's lives. The former gridiron superstar had also become a superstar in his private life, with a peaceful retirement from the sport and a new contract with ESPN as an NFL Sportscaster. He had the respect of his peers, his fellow sportscasters, his family, and friends. "The Man" Lawrence Taylor had finally arrived.