Cell 105: Lady D's Room

MOM shoud be spelled HUMILIATION!!

For those of you with children, you will understand exactly where I am coming from. For those who don't, THIS is what you have to look forward to!!!!!!!!!!!!

FIRST: A little info.... I have a 4 yr old daughter. She is precious and she is my heart, along with her 4 month old sister that she is EXTREMEMLY protective of. My daughter is a very OUTSPOKEN little girl. She says what is on her mind and she means it! It has provided me with alot of memories (AND ENOUGH BLACKMAIL MATERIAL TO ENSURE THAT SHE NEVER DATES!!!) So, sit back and enjoy my darling daughter's view upon the world. This is long but worth it!.


My 4 yr old Bubbie kept asking me repeatedly how her little sister was going to enter into the world. She had already determined by herself that my belly button was too small for the job, so I decided to sit down and explain to her, using the Hawaiian words (Boogie meaning female genitalia and Tatoy meaning breast). Staring at her beautiful, inquisitive eyes I told her that when it was time, her little sister would come out of mommy's tummy through her Boogie and then I would feed her with my Tatoys. She was very satisfied with this answer and went about her way. So satisfied was she that she felt that 3 people in the mall, 1 in the grocery store, and a few at the doctor's office should also know how her little sister was getting here!!!!!! I thought that the elderly one she told asshe pointed to my "BOOGIE" was going to have heart failure. (At least she was already at the Doc.!!) I tried to explain how others may not desire this kind of info, but alas, her 4 yr old mind could not comprehend why anyone wouldn't want to know that her baby sister was gonna 'COME OUT OF MOM'S BOOGIE AND BE FED WITH HER TATOYS!!' Most others responded with a pat upon my daughter's head and, through a tight smile, managed a "That's Nice Honey."

Upon going to an appt. and waiting to be seen, my daughter happily played with the toys supplied to the children so they don't go nuts. One of them was a seesaw shaped like an alligator. But my poor angel was the only child there so there was no SEE for her SAW. She began asking adults if they woluld seesaw with her (me being 7 months pregnant, there was just NO WAY that was gonna happen). She came to about the 3rd person who was an Extrememly Heavyset Woman who was also pregnant. After looking at her for a moment she informed her of this, "YOUR BUTT IS TOO BIG, SO YOU CAN'T PLAY EITHER!!" I nearly strangled my precious little pumpkin! I apologized PROFUSELY and explained once more that you just don't say things like that... and then slunk off to find a rock to hide under.

After having my baby and coming home from the hospital, I had to use certain feminine products. I was informed that Tampons were a NO-NO for awhile. Well, my daughter walked into the bathroom and I saw her look puzzled at me and I prayed for no questions as to why mommy looked like she had been shot!! I figured that she would forget about it. A few days later, while talking to a female friend in the grocery store, my daughter looks up and says, "Guess What!" We both turned and asked her what and then she said "MY MOMMY HAS A BOOGIE BOO-BOO BAND IN HER PANTIES!!!!", very loudly, loud enough for a few people in the store to hear her and start snickering. So, Once Again I went to go find that rock that I have gotten accustomed to crawling under, while my female friend nearly fell on the floor laughing!

One morning while brushing our teeth and combing our hair, my daughter was looking in the mirror at herself (she does this OFTEN!!), and then she sort of froze in fear as she was examing her eyes and began to scream at me that HER EYEBALLS WERE CRACKED!! Not knowing that we have VEINS that run through our bodies and even our eyes, my daughter did the best she could on determing what exactly that was. It was hard to keep from laughing while comforting her and assuring her that her eyeballs were not cracked or broken....

While playing with my 4 months old, I began to sing that Meow Mix Song to her to make her laugh. My daughter MEMORIZES commercials and can spout out the whole commercial to you just by hearing a few words of it. When she walked into the room and heard me she finished the commercial for me with a SLIGHT mispronunciation.... Instead of the normal "LOOK it's BAXTER" It came out "LOOK IT'S BASTARD!"

At 1 1/2 yrs old my daughter had some trouble with the pronunciation of 'OX' in certain words which would bring ROLLS of laughter and Jaw Dropping Shock to many faces. My daughter's favorite channel was 25 FOXTV and her movie was "Fox and Hound". In the middle of Wal-MART my daughter saw the movie on a stand and pointed and TRIED to say 'MOMMY, THE FOX AND HOUND'. It came out "MOMMY, THE F@CKIN HOUND!" Even though I knew what she meant, the other people in the entire department looked at me as if I should be shot and hung for allowing my child to speak that way!!

(By now, me and that Rock have become VERY good friends!)

My daughter has very good speech for a child her age but sometimes mishears what has been said. My friend and I decided to color my hair for the pure fun of it. I told my daughter to go into the living room due to the chemicals being used, but before she could leave the room she had to ask, "Mommy, Are you DILATING you hair!"

Everyone who has children has at one time or the other been informed by their little bundles of joy of someone's "Slip Of Manners". Mine is very good at that. In a gift shop, my daughter looked at a little old lady and then looked at me and I knew already what was going to be said, but before I could get my hand over her mouth she belted out "MOMMY, THAT LADY FARTED!!!!!!!!" (I have her father to thank for this. Not only did he teach her to inform people of others' bodily functions, but to be EXTREMEMLY PROUD of her own!) The poor lady was so embarassed she literally RAN out of the store.

(That rock is quite cozy! I have even managed to decorate a little under there!!)

My daughter USED TO have this certain activity that she FINALLY stoped when I threatened to beat her for all she was worth. I am always in a hurry, trying to run out the door, grabbing a pair of shoes, sliding them on and I am Off! But, for awhile it wasn't so easy due to my little monster taking out EVERY SINGLE PAIR OF SHOELACES IN ALL MY SHOES!!! And Yes, she hid them, and No, she wouldn't tell me where she put them, but instead my husband (THE Great Adult that he is) would join my daughter rolling in the floor laughing like a maniac!!

When my little pumpkin was about 7 months old, she had her first ART project. It was a design of her very own, (and I mean that in the TRUEST sense of the word!). While in the kitchen preparing dinner and my hubby was in the yard playing with the car, I had my daughter in the living room in her playpen. She was old enough to hold on to the rails and remain standing. I could hear her cooing away and having a ball, then I heard my husband come in the door a few minutes later. He gasped deeply and I thought 'Oh God something happened to the baby!' But the gasp was followed by "GROSS! NASTY! EWWW! OH GOD! HONEY DO SOMETHING ABOUT THIS!!!!!!!!!!!! HOLY SH*T!" I came running in and there was my little Picasso in all her glory. Somehow she had managed to get her little hands into her apparently FULL diaper, and decided to paint her ENTIRE BODY AND FACE with the contents. My hubby is a little on the wimpish side when it comes to things of this nature, so of course it is Mom that does the REAL dirty work. It was gross enough till I realized on the way to the shower that her WHOLE body, Head to Toe, was covered..., EXCEPT ONE THING .... HER THUMBS were SPOTLESSLY CLEAN! Upon the realization of just HOW they got that way, my hubby tore out of the bathroom, gagging, and all I could do was just grimace and scrub!!! During this whole time though my daughter sat there smiling insanely, so happy with herself and her artwork....

I know this has been long but I do hope you enjoyed it. If you care to send me your favorite tidbits of your childrens wonderful cut ups, I enjoy reading them as much as writing them!

Warmest Regards

La Chriseja

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